Why I’m Not Too Concerned With Healthcare Reform
** A warning: If you know me in real life, you saw some variation of this on facebook today. It’s my own idea. I’m well within my rights to steal it. The little status box just didn’t give me enough room to say everything. : )**
I woke this morning to find my facebook “news” feed choked with rants on both sides of the Healthcare Reform issue. Some people are smug and applauding the Democrats and waxing poetic about expanded coverage. Some people are boiling with rage and predicting impending doom and invoking the grandkids argument. Some are quoting obscure philosophers to point out the moral and societal implications.
Me? I’m just wishing people would stick to commenting on pop culture and saying witty things in their status updates. If I wanted poltical debate and cutting arguments, I would either go to Fox News or HuffPo.
And anyway, it’s not like any of it matters. Here’s my well thought out argument that None Of This Matters Anyway.
1) We’re all going to die in 2012. The Mayans predicted it and John Cusack made a movie about it, so it’s probably true. Your grandkids won’t have to pay a cent! In fact, you shouldn’t be paying a cent! Drop your coverage and put all the money you save toward fulfilling those life goals that are waiting on the shelf: buy a sports car, go to Africa on safari, gamble your life savings in Vegas, get new boobs, donate everything to charity to assure your admission to heaven, etc. Start living for now! Come join me at Five Guys for burgers and shakes because now that I don’t have to worry about my future health, I am getting FAT. And I mean orca fat!
2) Even if the Mayans and John Cusack are wrong (inconceivable!), there are plenty of alternate end of the world scenerios coming around the mountain at us. For example, Yellowstone Park is one great big caldera of a super volcano. Geological evidence indicates Yellowstone historically erupted every 600,000 years. It last spewed 630,000 years ago (give or take). So, basically, we’re way overdue for a disaster flick based on this one. The ground under Yellowtsone is actually swelling year to year, suggesting a build up of magma underneath. Previous blows left ash on all states west of the Mississippi River- specifically the American farm land responsible for a lot of food production. If the blast doesn’t kill you, the famine will. (If you want to know more- and really think hard about if you do or not- read Bill Bryson’s A Short History of Nearly Everything.) Again, I suggest cashing in your life savings now because nobody will take your money when we’re all burning to death.
3) Another scenerio in which no one will take your money? The imminent zombie apocolypse. Sure-laugh now. But did you know there are ants in Thailand that are infected by a fungus that causes them to leave their natural habitat in the tree canopy and march down to a level more hospitable to the fungi where the ant dies and the fungi thrives? This is just the first step in the evolution of zombies– that is assuming the government has not already secretly developed a zombie virus for combat. I suggest you read World War Z by Max Brooks at once for some helpful tips to deal with that crisis. When the zombies start popping up, this is what healthcare will look like: “Are you a zombie? No? Good, we won’t have to chop off your head. Next!”
4) On a more serious note, I actually work in healthcare. From my previous and current jobs working intimately with providers and managed health, I feel qualified to say this: Frankly my dear, it’s all a big clusterfrack. They’re already restricting access, costs are ballooning already, there are a zillion regulations and minute details and circular reasoning, and it’s a very overwhelming enterprise. Short of a zombie apocolypse wiping out of most of the population and forcing us to start our government and societal structure from scratch, I don’t know how any of it can really be helped or changed. I don’t want to be hopeless, but I’m sort of shrugging at all of this and saying, “Whatev,” because I’m skeptical of anything working. Healthcare has so much money wrapped up in it and I don’t see how the system can ever be perfect when there are people grasping for cash.
5) Back to a lighter note: Did you know the healthcare bill will place a 10% tax on indoor tanning that uses ultraviolet light starting on July 1st of this year? Oh, yes, it’s in there! This can only lead to the lessening popularity of The Jersey Shore, and I’m okay with that.