Things I Would Have If I Was a Real Adult
Despite the number 30 hanging over my head, I’m really terrible at being an adult. I still hesitate to call myself one even though I just filed my taxes, and paying taxes was always my litmus test for adulthood as a child. Just this past week, I had a conversation with my father about buying a new car in which he stumped me at least three times when discussing bank loans. I should know this stuff, right? The more I think about it, the more I realize how I’m failing at adulthood. I now present… A List of Things I Would Have If I Was a Real Adult. (With contributions from the illustrious and super fun CK)
1) A regularly groomed dog.
2) A planner that is not bedazzled or glitterized in some way.
3) An ice chest (my friend CK assures me this is a “cooler.” I’m not convinced.)
4) Clear skin.
5) An anti-aging cream for my eyes.
6) A briefcase.
7) A five year plan.
8 ) A stock portfolio.
9) Furniture that cannot be converted to some other type of furniture as needed.
10) Enough Christmas ornaments to cover a tree.
11) A trusty mechanic.
12) Matching dishes and bowls.
13) A phone that only works inside my home
a) that has its own number with a local area code.
b) that is not shaped like something I can eat or like a cartoon character.
14) A coffee maker (even though I dislike coffee).
15) Needle nose pliers.
16) Hydrogen Peroxide (as CK says, “Adults always have that shit.”).
17) Extra Wrapping Paper.
18) Definite knowledge of the whereabouts of the following documents (not just a vague idea of where they might be if I really needed them)
a) my car title.
b) my property deed.
c) my social security card.
d) my tax documents up to 2008.
19) Outerwear for winter without the words “North Face” some where on it.
20) A suit.
21) An organized pantry (though my mother does not even have this).
22) Dinner parties. With amuse bouches and stuff.
23) Actually, parties that don’t rely on jello shots would be a step in the right direction.
24) A career and not merely a job
25) Gardening tools
26) A favorite television show that does not feature one of the following as the lead character:
a) a college student
b) someone with supernatural powers of some kind
c) a reality star
d) anyone still in high school
27) Personalized Stationary
28) No desire to ask my mother if “the bunny” will be sending me a basket for Easter this year.
29) Something on my desk other than silly putty, markers, or bubbles
30) A newspaper subscription
31) A well stocked bar with all those interesting looking tools
32) Total ignorance of current Disney Channel Stars
33) Extra clean towels in case of visitors
34) No empty bottles of grooming products in the shower
35) Decorative fruit
Feel free to add your own. I’m sure I forgot something because I’m clearly not so great and remembering to be an adult anyway.