Things I Would Have If I Was a Real Adult

Despite the number 30 hanging over my head, I’m really terrible at being an adult.  I still hesitate to call myself one even though I just filed my taxes, and paying taxes was always my litmus test for adulthood as a child. Just this past week, I had a conversation with my father about buying a new car in which he stumped me at least three times when discussing bank loans.  I should know this stuff, right?  The more I think about it, the more I realize how I’m failing at adulthood.  I now present… A List of Things I Would Have If I Was a Real Adult. (With contributions from the illustrious and super fun CK)

1) A regularly groomed dog.

2) A planner that is not bedazzled or glitterized in some way.

3) An ice chest (my friend CK assures me this is a “cooler.”  I’m not convinced.)

4) Clear skin.

5) An anti-aging cream for my eyes.

6) A briefcase.

Does it count if it’s made of bacon?

7) A five year plan.

8 ) A stock portfolio.

9) Furniture that cannot be converted to some other type of furniture as needed.

10) Enough Christmas ornaments to cover a tree.

11) A trusty mechanic.

12) Matching dishes and bowls.

13) A phone that only works inside my home

     a)  that has its own number with a local area code.

     b)   that is not shaped like something I can eat or like a cartoon character.

14) A coffee maker (even though I dislike coffee).

15) Needle nose pliers.

16) Hydrogen Peroxide (as CK says, “Adults always have that shit.”).

17) Extra Wrapping Paper.

18) Definite knowledge of the whereabouts of the following documents (not just a vague idea of where they might be if I really needed them)

     a) my car title.

     b) my property deed.

     c) my social security card.

     d) my tax documents up to 2008.

19) Outerwear for winter without the words “North Face” some where on it.

20) A suit.

21) An organized pantry (though my mother does not even have this).

22) Dinner parties. With amuse bouches and stuff.

23) Actually, parties that don’t rely on jello shots would be a step in the right direction.

24) A career and not merely a job

25) Gardening tools

26) A favorite television show that does not feature one of the following as the lead character:

     a) a college student

     b) someone with supernatural powers of some kind

     c) a reality star

     d) anyone still in high school

27) Personalized Stationary

28) No desire to ask my mother if “the bunny” will be sending me a basket for Easter this year.

29) Something on my desk other than silly putty, markers, or bubbles

What? Did you think I was kidding?

30) A newspaper subscription

31) A well stocked bar with all those interesting looking tools

32) Total ignorance of current Disney Channel Stars

33) Extra clean towels in case of visitors

34) No empty bottles of grooming products in the shower

35) Decorative fruit

Feel free to add your own. I’m sure I forgot something because I’m clearly not so great and remembering to be an adult anyway.

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Posted on March 31, 2010, in Real Life and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. To be clear, I just didn’t know what an “ice chest” was. That said, an “ice chest” does sound far more grown-up than a cooler.

  2. *looking for the like button* haha

    love your writing style!
    BTW, having a plan is not an indication of being an adult (in my opinion) I have a 10-year plan and I’m only 16 and some have no plans and lead a very responsible and productive life.

    • Ah, how fun that you stopped by! In 10 years, you will have something close to a quarter life crisis, and this list will be doubley funny to you. But I’m glad you see the humor now!

  3. Okay. I loved this list the first time I read it, but I like it even more after reading your snarky dialogue with the 16 year old in the comments.

    • But I wasn’t being snarky! At least I didn’t mean to be… Oh dear… it’s bad when my friends can’t tell the difference between snark and genuine niceness. Perhaps I’ve gone completely around the bend.

    • I mean, last night DC sent me a text about Pacey and I replied, “He’s just so dreamy!” and she said, “Shut up!” But I meant it! He is dreamy!

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