High School Reunion
High School Reunion: like the Disney movie High School Musical but with less purposeful dancing and singing and more alcohol. Also, there is no Zac Efron. Just lots of guys who are not as cute as you remembered and a handful you wished you noticed back then.
This coming weekend, my old classmates from the Academy (don’t confuse us with that other group that gives out acting awards) will converge on Baton Rouge to celebrate 10 years freedom from high school.
Oh, don’t misunderstand me. I didn’t hate high school. In fact, high school didn’t bother me when it was happening– only my years in college convinced me the world could offer better than boys in over sized trucks, student council elections, and rules about my shoe leather. I really do value my former classmates and friends made in that time period. I’m even fond of the old institution and credit it with much of my personal development. Further, I am convinced that single sex schools can make a huge positive impact. If you get plaid skirts too, it’s just icing on the cake.
(from here. Romy and Michelle are here to help. They also have some reservations about high school being the best time ever.)
That said, I’ve put together some basic guidelines to consider when attending one’s 10 year high school reunion (specifically if you went to a Catholic All Girl’s School).
If your life is better than anticipated and you feel you are better off than most of your classmates:
- Don’t gloat. If you tell the girl with red rims around her eyes wearing scuffed heels that you couldn’t possibly be happier and that rainbows shoot out of your ass every time you pass gas, you should not be surprised to find your tires slashed.
- Exception to above: if you see someone that used to sneer at you and they are not as well off, feel free to casually mention all the great things in your life and politely say, “But I envy you all your spare time! It is just so hard to balance my wonderful husband, my fulfilling and well paying job, my exclusive doctoral program, my thriving etsy handbag shop, my well read blog, and my 2 darling and well behaved children. Having a simple life like yours just sounds dreamy!”
If your life is not as glamorous as you hoped 10 years on:
- Lie. Shamelessly. How will they ever know that you are not really Lady Gaga? Or that you did not invent Post-its?
- Okay, so that’s a bad plan. But you could perhaps exaggerate a bit. Example: Single and hating it? Imply that you just ended a long relationship and sigh heavily and make mysterious comments. The other girls will secretly envy you your heartache, as Jane Austen so astutely pointed out. Heartache can only make you more popular.
- Feeling self conscious about discussing your job with the girl who is currently training to be an astronaut? Divert! For example, you could say, “I work behind the scenes mostly. Honestly, I can’t talk about it much.” You don’t have to add that you can’t talk about it because it gives you narcolepsy.
- Just look really awesome. Manicure, pedicure, underwear that prevents inhalation, binding party clothes, sparkly jewelry, and shoes that make your legs go on for days. No one will care that you live in a cube and file TPS reports if they are dazzled by your bling.
- If all else fails, deflect! Ask tons of questions and interrupt every time someone tries to ask you about your own life. People usually like to talk about themselves and are perfectly willing to do just that. If you meet another deflect-er, share a knowing nod and take some shots together. You both understand the truth in, “No one told you life was gonna be this way.”
Some basic rules on what to wear:
- Not your old uniform. If it fits, you’re just going to make everyone mime vomiting behind your back. If it does not fit, why would you do that to yourself?
- On that note, something that fits in general is a good decision. Do not squeeze yourself into a size smaller because you want to be able to say you could still wear a size 6 to your reunion. You won’t be able to eat a damn thing and everyone will be whispering about you.
- Sequins! The answer is always yes!
- Except for when it’s not, which is sometimes. So, go ahead and rule out taffeta too.
- Try to avoid black. I know it’s slimming and easy, but it’s just so dull. Shake it up a little and you’ll feel sassier. (Hey check it out- a piece of actual, helpful advice.)
- No prom style ball gowns, unless your school is hosting an ultra formal reunion. In which case, I am so, so sorry for you.
- Consider shoes that do not give you blisters or make you want to die.
Some other helpful suggestions:
- If you have children, confine your mommy talk to other mommies. It’s okay to tell your child-less friends that you have kids, but don’t volunteer more information than they need. Truly, we have no interest in the impossibly adorable noodle collage he made you for mother’s day. However, if he said something totally inappropriate at Easter dinner, we do want to hear that.
- Avoid the spinach. Your teeth will thank you when you walk away from High School Ex with a clean and blinding smile. (You’ve been Crest whitening for weeks now, right? No? Well, then don’t bother going.)
- Extensive details about medical concerns are not welcome. A general summation will do. Nobody wants to spend their high school reunion consoling you and hearing about your bodily functions. Sorry.
- Remember that time when we did that thing and you were so very embarassed and scarred for life? I promise not to bring it up if you promise not to bring up my own scarring experience.
- Doctors beware, if you insist that we address you as “Dr Whatever,” be prepared for high school style bitch fests when you turn away. Don’t be that person.
- It’s tempting to drink copious amounts for several reasons- you’re finally all legal together, you don’t want to deal with the flashbacks, conversation is getting inane, etc. But try to practice a modicum of restraint because no one wants to be the one tagged on facebook face down on the dance floor in a pool of vomit with the title, “Most Likely to be Drunk.”
- And finally, if someone tells you that they are not married, it is never okay to reply, “Why not?” If you don’t already know that, I can’t even deal with you.
That’s it for now. Feel free to add your own!