I actually don’t hate Valentine’s Day (Candy! Sappy sing along songs! Rom coms playing on TV!), but it still seems like a good opportunity to list a bunch of bitter Dorothy Parker quotes.  Enjoy!

from wikipedia.org

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.” 

found on tumblr

“I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.” 

from tumblr

“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.” 

from tumblr

“Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.” 

from tumblr

“By the time you swear you are his, shivering and sighing, And he vows his passion is infinite and undying- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying.”

from friends.wikia.com

“Where’s the man  that could ease a heart like a satin gown?”

from tumblr.com

“I have been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives’ takes about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.” 

from tumblr.com

“With the crown of thorns I wear, why should I be bothered with a prick like you?”

from screencap-paradise.com

Assembled quotes and pictures inspired by Slaughterhouse 90210.