How Not To Have a Cold
(I wrote this a week ago when the first tickles of a cold started. It took me a week to edit because said cold kicked my ass.)
Oh no! You have a cold! Your throat feels like you swallowed a crusty shower loofa and your nose is running like a marathon.
What you should do: Take Zicam or Airbourne at once. That stuff works like magic, but only if you take it immediately upon feeling symptoms. You will already have this stored in your purse/medicine cabinet/desk at work because you are a responsible adult.
What you actually do: Feel symptoms about three hours before you can leave work. Curse your general lack of foresight as throat grows increasingly scratchy.
What you should do: Go straight to drug store after work and stock up on soup, cold meds, Kleenex, orange juice, and tea.
What you actually do: Ponder bad traffic patterns and decide to go home. Convince self that hibernating on sofa with episodes of Gilmore Girls is adequate cold remedy. Realize too late that you are very wrong.
What you should do: Stay home and rest! Don’t contaminate everyone else around you!
What you actually do: Go to work. Save valuable PTO for Christmas break. Wrap self in snuggie and fleece jacket. Whine to bemused co-worker but try to minimize symptoms. Ignore annoyed looks from co-workers when you snot all over desk. Realize mid-afternoon that your computer screen is moving by itself and that you can’t actually read anymore. Sheepishly ask to leave work early.
What you should do: Go home immediately and curl up in bed with helpful small dog.
What you actually do: Decide now is the time to go to the drug store, despite the fact that you should probably not be driving. Buy three different varities of tea despite the fact you are only likely to drink about three cups total. Stand in juice aisle for a full two minutes before you remember why you are there. Consider calling someone to come get you. Decide this is stupid. Suddenly adopt devil-may-care attitude when caution has always suited you well so far.
What you should do: Take the Mucinex.
What you actually do: Wait, this stuff is called an “expectorant”? Doesn’t that mean it will make you spit? Do not take Mucinex! Do not hock loogies! Gross!
What you should do: Drink orange juice.
What you actually do: Drink Zing Zang. Convince self okay to add a shot of vodka because it’s too thick without vodka in it. Anyway, the Zing Zang has Vitamin C too and it will go bad if you don’t drink it And alcohol kills germs, right?
What you should do: Eat chicken noodle soup.
What you actually do: Make Campbell’s Cheddar Soup with corn chips. It looked way better on the shelf than the chicken noodle soup, nevermind that it’s probably supposed to be for recipes. Try to dissolve soup with milk on stove. Convince self it’s okay if chunks of unmelted condensed soup refuse to melt. Realize it’s actually pretty disgusting.
What you should do: Make the chicken noodle soup instead.
What you actually do: Eat the corn chips.
What you should do: Go to bed really early.
What you actually do: Stay up to watch the premiere of Mindy Kaling’s new show and then go to bed about thirty minutes earlier than usual.
Here’s hoping your cold goes away soon! Try to get some of that good Sudafed they keep behind the counter that is probably the closest thing you can get to legal drug use and drink lots of non-alcoholic fluids. Take care! (Also- wash your hands and spray antibacterial every where you go because you do not want what I have, trust me.)