To Which Ever Jerk It May Concern

Nothing will bring you out of blog hiatus faster than unsatisfied rage.

Today at lunch, I trekked home from work (as I do everyday) to walk my dog, Heidi. For the past 3 years, this is what we do: I go to work, she stays in my bathroom until lunch, I walk her to my neighbor’s for an afternoon play date, I pick her up after work, we lounge about watching bad TV until bed. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

Something different happened today. At my door, the following sign greeted me:

I Wish Your Yappy Mutt Would Die

Classy, right? I’m some what shocked because my neighbors are mostly young professionals and the majority own dogs, and I wouldn’t expect this kind of malice from any of them.    And who would wish death on this?

After standing in front of my door feeling sucker punched, I rushed inside to scoop up my happily barking schnauzer (not yapping!) and made a beeline for the management office.

“Sorry,” yawned the office manager, “We can’t really do anything. You don’t know who did it, right?”

I felt stupid asking them to send a mass e-mail requesting that people not leave nasty notes on neighbors’ doors and to instead calmly knock on the door and have an adult conversation, so I had to concede that the authorities would have to sit this one out. I did feel a little better when they told me another resident received a similar note recently.

Heidi and I trudged down the dog path on the way home, our collective spirit broken. Up ahead, we spotted a girl in a white sundress and her floppy little dog– incidentally, my next door neighbor. Heidi desperately wanted to inspect every blade of grass on the way down the path, but I dragged her behind me like luggage as I hauled up the trail to stop my neighbor.  I showed her the note and said, “I know you didn’t leave this, but does she yap? Does she bother you?”

Brandi read the note with furrowed eyebrows, “No, I don’t ever really hear her. She’s so sweet. And I work from home a few days a week. I have no idea what this is about.”

Feeling vindicated, I walked Heidi to her afternoon play date where her doggie god-parents shrieked in indignation and used lots of bad words and threatened a lynch mob. They’re a little emotional.   Tonight, her doggie god-father called and offered to have his friend pose as a double agent and knock on doors asking if anyone else is as annoyed by the “yappy mutt” as he is in the hopes that someone will agree with him and admit to the note.   It’s actually kind of sweet in a vigilante kind of way.

All afternoon, I debated. What do I do about this? Do I knock on doors? Do I install a camera over my door and try to catch someone leaving another note? Do I put up fliers with a general apology? Do I keep the note on my door and add my own passive aggressive response?

Ultimately, I can’t do anything. I don’t know who did this, though I suspect a teenage kid trying to sleep in on his or her summer off. My best guess is that Heidi flipped out when FedEx stopped by today and someone got good and lathered up and felt the need to make me feel as bad as they did.  Every day, I leave Heidi alone for about 3 and a half hours. Every day for the last 3 years. And no complaint until today?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Or Germany, if Heidi is telling the story.

So even though I won’t get to snap back at the Heidi-hater, I did entertain myself with a game called, “What I Would Say To You If I Was As Immature as You But I’m Not So Instead I’ll Post It On My Blog Later.” And here you have it- The Top Ten Responses that could have been.

1)  The Seinfeld Reference Response

2) The Righteously Indignant About the Wrong Thing Response

3) The You Just Got Therapized! Response

4) The Sneaky Southern Belle Response

5) The Sarcasm Dripping From My Voice Response

6)  The I Think I Know Who You Are Response

7) The What I Really Wish I Could Say Response

8  ) The Scooby Doo Response

9) The Truly Most Passive Aggressive Response I Can Think Of Response

10) And finally, The Wait Til Your Father Gets Home Response

In all honesty, I feel sort of sick every time I look at this note. It’s scary to think someone that lives close to me would be so hostile and deliberately hurtful. I mean, if you must leave a note on my door, couldn’t you settle for asking me to take care of my yapping dog? Does she have to die for you to feel justice?  I hope this is a teenage punk and not one of my adult neighbors.

And here’s a bonus response… The What I Actually Might Do Response

I leave you with Heidi.

She is confused by the death wishes. She's quite used to Universal Adoration.

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Posted on July 1, 2010, in Real Life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. My vote is for #3, #4, #5 or all of the above!

  2. OMG! That’s really all I can say! Poor Heidi!!!!!!! Poor you!!! That is so scary. Seriously. I have a similar story – and I’m considering posting it on my blog, now that I’ve read this. But I’m not sure what you can do…

    I’m kind of a fan of the undercover guy trying to coax a response out of someone. But what if that incites some kind of crazy thing where multiple people start complaining or something? I have to think it was just an isolated incident. Probably some hungover college kid or something sleeping ’til noon like you said.

    Anyway, I’m so sorry this happened! *hugs to Heidi*

    R

    • I kind of think I have to let it go. If it happens again, I will get more proactive. But for now, I just have to laugh at the absurdity.

      But thanks for your concern. Heidi appreciates your hugs. She’s been moping around looking traumatized.

  3. You should take all 11 responses and paste them in a common area of the apartment building. My expert handwriting analysis says that it’s a female who may have just moved into the building.

  4. People are amazing, aren’t they? Loved your responses and really think you should post one of them. Really.

  5. Awesome. The only possible improvement is to use the “I think I know who you are” one to make an implication that the neighbor has an STD. Should the southern belle response be on something monogrammed?
    Good work. Keep it up, M.

  6. Lol, your responses are funny, but are you sure your dog doesn’t yap? I have a neighbor with a little dog that has the world’s most annoying way of barking. It doesn’t just yap, it SQUEALS. Ear-piercingly squeals. For no reason. And often late at night. I remember being woken one night to hear this dog yapping non-stop for full ten minutes (yes, I timed it because there was just a miserably sleepless me, a dark room and the glowing numbers on my bedside clock). Ten minutes, plus a few seconds. Unbroken. High-pitched. Yapping. @_@

    You would think that since it was late at night, the owners would’ve come out and tried to hush the dog. But nothing–no stirring, no lights on, etc. My only explanation is that the owners had become immune to the dog’s barking and genuinely didn’t hear it. Either that or they’re utterly callous jerks who didn’t care that they were disturbing all their neighbors late at night, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

    So… just in case you’ve gained the same type of owners’ immunity to your little one’s barking, maybe you should spend an evening really listening to your dog to see if she barks often or not. I’ve never resorted to something like leaving a note on my neighbor’s door, but I’ll confess that I have wished various terrible fates on that dog on more than one occasion…

    • Hmmm…I see your point. As dog owners, we often overlook the flaws of our little darlings. That said, I’m pretty sure Heidi’s yapping is not so common. I don’t think she’s perfect when I’m not there,but I don’t think it’s as bad as your neighbor’s dog… I hope!

      • Lol, at least you’re aware of your dog’s barking. That’s good–so you can rest assured that your little Heidi isn’t driving someone up the wall. ^^ Well, maybe the person who left the note was just having a bad day and had to take it out on someone. They probably felt stupid about it afterwards (I hope), and will likely just get over their annoyance with whatever barking they hear now that they’ve “said their piece” (lol–in a very passive-aggressive way XD). Anyway, hope all’s been well for you since then.

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